Chapter 36

North Heaven

It truly took another eight months for Leona’s words to finally sink in to the level where I would do something about it. She was right, I was on repeat. Things hadn’t changed at school: there was a new teacher attempting to give me hell, Mrs Pringle hadn’t warmed to me, and my relationship was on a downhill slide. I handed in the mid-year reports and let Mrs Pringle know my plans to take a break and find myself. She wasn’t overly encouraging but thanked me for all my hard work.

I went straight home to watch Sleepless In Seattle starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. It was the first time I’d watched it and the first time I believed that magic could be the guiding light of a loving relationship. Later that night, I broached the subject of ending our relationship with my partner. To my surprise he said he’d been just as miserable as me and we went our separate ways.

The next week, I called Leona to let her know I was planning a move back to the mid-north-coast within the month. “I’m taking six months off to break the sticky cycles which have held me back for way too long.”

“Are you clear on what you need to do?”

“I think so.”

“Tell me.”

“I need to feel the whole spectrum of emotions, including the shitty ones, let go of the past, and, of course, limiting labels and beliefs. I want to be able to wake in the morning and not ruminate on what’s gone wrong in my life. Less thought storms. I wish to be free of fear of the future. I want to feel what it is to be present, really present for myself and others, you know, so that my intuition is strong, so that I can be passionately compassionate. And in perhaps a year or two I’ll enjoy having a gentle man on the same page to walk beside me on this journey, a true friend, a lover who understands and supports me and who can feel my love in return.”

“These sound like healthy goals to me. But there will be more work, more truths, more letting go.”

“I’m ready.”

“Great! So, now it’s just making a schedule that is realistic, one you can follow, apply, and enjoy.”

“I’ll do meditation and prayer work plus intention setting in the morning.”

“And affirmations.”

“Of course. Then I’ll do exercise that I love followed by a healthy brunch. I’ll give intermittent fasting a go.”

“Sure.”

“And I will keep journaling my thoughts and feelings.”

“What about unplugging from screens?”

“I can do that but I’ll squeeze in one more viewing of The Bodyguard first. I think I can forego sex and sugar too to stay off those highs.”

“Great! You are sure you want to move closer to your parents?”

“I have a calling. I don’t understand it but it’s strong.”

“Well then, what more can I say? Best wishes.”

I also telephoned Stellar to let her know my plans. She had moved North to Byron Bay but was planning a permanent move to Ireland with her rich and handsome beau. She of course was as encouraging as always: “I’m so glad you’re doing this for yourself, hon. It’s been a long time coming.”

Two weeks later, at the start of winter, I was renting a house a few blocks from a sandy beach in a small sea-side town thirty k’s shy of Port Macquarie. Port Mac was a large town undergoing gentrification and development boasting a pretty coastline. The two-storey house was freshly renovated with bushland right out the back brimming with the singsong of birds. I unpacked, set up house and got to the inner-work - straight after bodyguard Frank waved Rachel goodbye. I took Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life back off the shelf. I resolved that each and every morning I would state the affirmation, ‘I love and approve of myself’ until I actually believed it.

Early each morning I spent an hour on the balcony with prayers, intentions, and meditation. The bells of Tibet rang from my stereo as I peaced out with the crows. Mid-morning I did yoga, kung fu and ran on the treadmill. For brunch I enjoyed vegetarian wholefoods and for dinner I snacked. And my treats were juices with a variety of fruits, veg and the next super-dooper food, at the top of the list, Vegemite. As I was experiencing a Seattle cycle with nothing but rain, I ventured out little which helped me stay quiet in the cavern within.

Each week I did a reading from a range of guidance cards and received regular metaphysical healings from three local female healers. I needed strong feminine energy to guide me forward. I also tapped into kinesiology, seemed I had more hidden emotions to release. And every evening I listened to a Dr Rick Collingwood meditation before going to sleep with my new rose crystal smoothed into a heart close by. I read Shakti’s, Creative Visualisation and got serious about my goals. I imagined myself immersed in happy days of teaching, ease and flow in my life with time to play, and joyful times with family and friends.

But the most important work of all was the letting go. I let go of old hurts to focus on a future of unlimited possibilities. As the quiet set in, ideas became clear, intuition increased and coincidence became commonplace. I shed weight, took out the trash, and said my thanks. Little did I visit my parents and less did I blame them for my problems. I let go of any expectation of being my mother’s friend. She just wasn’t cut out for it. Epiphanies came as grievances left. I decided to leave the system of school behind and teach on my own terms, somewhat of a surprise. I’d work with home-schooled children who had the space to explore their interests, provide tailor-made programs and guide them on their way, minus the astressment.

When Summer snuck on in with a heat wave, I felt renewed, revived, and ready for a new chapter of my life. I walked downtown to buy myself a new diary. And then I phoned Stellar. I sat outside on the balcony and told her of my progress, how I was feeling positive about the future and unstuck from the past. I let her know that for the first time the past was distant, no longer throwing up painful images, and no longer triggering my emotions.

“I get it now,” I told her. “It’s coming from me, I’m creating my pain. I have this life pattern which magnetically brings in people who match my vibrational frequency. When I’m stuck in the hatred-resentment mindset I call in those resonating at that pitch and together we co-create more experiences which validates that mindset.”

“You been sitting beneath the bodhi tree girlfriend.”

Then I let her know I was a little lonely, very ready for a man in my life. “My heart chakra is in full spin, Stellar.”

“Have you told the universe that you are ready to meet your ideal man?”

“Well, I thought I had. But now, I don’t know.” The sun was already hot, warming my cotton clothes.

“A wish is just that, something you hope will happen one day in the future but the future will always remain in the future. I want says I don’t have. You can spend your whole life wanting, and never receive. You need to let the universe know that you are ready, and you need to also behave and feel as if you already have what you desire. Do you understand?”

“Kind of.”

“Feel as if you already have your ideal man, really feel it; that’s the secret.” A crow flew down, pecked at a grub in the ground. “So, do I just pretend like he’s already here with me? Do I talk to him and make him breakfast?”

“That would be sweet, Rachel, but you don’t even need to go that far. Imagine he is with you each day, listening to you, supporting you and loving you.” She asked, “Have you read any of Eckhardt Tolle’s books?”

“No, I haven’t heard of him. Is he a love doctor?”

Stellar laughed. “I’m not sure anyone would call him that but he is able to demonstrate how the time parameters are an illusion so he could show you how to be with your man right now. I urge you to track down a copy of his book, Stillness Speaks.”

“Okay. But.”

“What is it, hon?”

“I guess I’m still a bit worried I’ll attract someone like Dregg again.”

“You will attract someone based on where you are at now, where your mind-set is at and that is always what you are ready for. So, all in all you can’t really attract someone who is not on the same page. The energy you put out there is the energy you receive back. Do you follow?”

“That means I’m totally responsible for all of my past mishaps with men.”

“Yes, but just let that go,” she said. “Gosh, when I look back on some of the men I’ve attracted into my life, I have to wonder what the hell was going on with me.”A kookaburra laughed from a gum tree.

"Okay then - I move forward to manifesting my man without any fear. I know I will attract the right man for me.”

“What did you say? I could barely hear you. If I can’t hear you then he won’t hear you either.”

“You live a few hundred kilometres away.”

“Another illusion.”

“Okay, Stellar, I’ll tell the universe, but a bit later.”

“Good girl.”

I walked the few blocks out to the breakwall, on the North Haven beach. Before I left home, I popped my journal into my backpack. It was already close to thirty degrees with not a cloud in sight. Locals passed by with smiles and g’days as gulls landed on curvy boulders of stone. At the end of the breakwall, I climbed to the rocks taking in the salty air. Surfers bobbed on their boards to hitch a ride as waves dashed into the shore. I performed my kung fu forms looking out to the edge of the sea then sat down to take in the scene. Beautiful! Up behind the beach the new café was open. I snuck off my shoes as the sand sizzled beneath my feet.

As I drew closer, I read the sign: ‘Beachside Buvette: Hot To Your Liking’. Post middle-aged women chatted over tea and scones as Dame Judy Dench’s twin let fly with a dry sandy laugh, her salty blue eyes losing tears to her teacup. I made my way for a menu at the counter. The young cook worked his wok over the naked flame, biceps bulging in tanned arms, shorts tight across his bum. Steam rose from the pan as moisture swam from his pores. Nice!

He called over, “What’s ya pleasure, darlin’?”

“Um…not sure. Is it still breakfast time?”

“What time’s that? Just see the menu as a list of ingredients. I can make whatever you desire.”

“Oh, wow.” A fog ensconced my brain. “Maybe an egg sandwich.”

“On a gorgeous day like today? Come on, darlin’, you can do better than that.” He arranged the food onto plates before excusing himself to deliver the meals. When he returned, he asked if I had decided.

“I don’t understand much else on your menu.”

“What’s got you in a bind?” he asked, spinning the menu around.

“Shakshuka. French eggs. Nasi goreng. I don’t know what any of this means.”

“Well, let me help ya out.” He lent forward, resting his chin on his hands coated in sprinkles of spice. The aromas leapt up my nostrils in haste. Tantalising. “Shakshuka is a bless-ed fusion of organic free-range eggs, tomatoes, herbs, and delectable spices in a manner that will tear you down and rebuild you into a form that only the angels could recognise. You follow?” His eyebrows rose a few times. I couldn’t help but smile. “French eggs, ya see, I whisk the eggs into sublime submission first, then patiently simmer them above hot little bubbles of water in a way that only the French can understand. They do everything with great patience I hear.” He leant in closer still and whispered, “We Aussies could learn a trick or two from them.”

A giggle burst forth. Get a grip!

He continued, “And their bubbles go down, ya know, bein’ in the Northern Hemisphere and all.” Water, I need water. “And nasi goreng, well, what can I say? If it’s a recharge you’re after, a sudden burst of life, a kickstart to the heart, then this sumptuous dish of fried rice, swirled with the syrup of kecap manis, shallots straight from my garden, eggs still warm from the nest, all packed in tight with grumptions of ginger, then he’s all yours.” Is he flirting with me?

I said, “I get the feeling you would like me to try your nasi.” I couldn’t remember any of the other options anyway.

“Would I ever.” Those dancing eyebrows were back. He is flirting with me. I couldn’t wipe the ridiculous smile off my face.

He got busy in the kitchen. I watched from the counter as he diced and cut and flipped. I poured myself a glass of water to tame the lust within.On the noticeboard beside the buvette were pinned a few ads from handymen, a surfboard for sale and a flyer for qigong. I tapped away on the counter trying to think of what to say to this man. What can I ask him? Perhaps he knows some local knowledge. Maybe he knows something about the qigong class. He flipped an egg in the hot steamy wok and winked an eye my way.Would be nice to have a man about who can cook. Oh, great cook – I can add that to my wish list.

The side door to the café burst open as my internal thoughts stood still. In pranced a woman with the face of Cleopatra, full lips of Penelope Cruz, waistline of a too thin Bollywood dancer. My cook spun his head her way.“I’m back,” she cooed. He watched her with a keen eye from breast to bum while she swept an apron around her slim waist.Too many cooks spoil the broth, lady. He called to her, “What do you think of my nasi, My Beautiful?”

“Heavenly, My Love.” An Italian accent unfurled from her tongue. My love got back to work. His beautiful turned on the radio. Once satisfied with a station, she began to dance.My hips sway too, honey.My Love called out to His Beautiful,

“I requested this song for you, baby. Your secret ingredient still gets me so hot.” He turned back to me, “After eight years, I still can’t keep my eyes off of her.”No kidding. His Beautiful smiled on as My Love sang with the song: “I’m so in love baby, I don’t care what your mama say. Standing in love lady, and I don’t care what your sister say.”

Then it was her turn: “He said he’s really diggin’ me, I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine why I feel so weak, say, say. That’s when he took my heart in his hands and kissed it gently. He open up his lips then said his poetry: I’m in love with you, love with you.”

My Love pulled His Beautiful into his embrace, kissed the palm of her hand and they danced and sang. “I’m so in love, baby; I don’t care what the people say. I’m so in love, lady, and I don’t care what your teacher say. I’m so in love baby, I don’t care what the writers say.” My head swam from my encounter of almost flirting - my hormones confused, not knowing which way was up. French bloody bubbles, who is he kidding? I took in a few deep breaths to settle myself as the salty air met me from the East. Just a mistake – he wasn’t flirting with me at all. That’s just how he expresses himself, silly.

By the time My Love brought me my meal, I was composed again. As he placed a huge bowl of steamy nasi before me he asked, “You local? Haven’t seen you here before.”

“Yeah, just moved down the road a few months back.”

“Nice pad?”

“Yeah, big veranda upstairs looking out at the bush. I’ve got two crows who visit me. I call them Mr Lees.”

“Father and son?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool. This coastline is pristine. We’ve got the best weather in the state, four clear seasons. This beachline heads all the way to Port and beyond. But right where you’ve landed, well, I’ll tell ya somethin’ for free.” He sat down opposite me, straddling a chair. “This place, the locals call North Heaven because you either lose yourself here, or better still, ya find yourself. Know what I mean?”

“I hope I do. It’s my mission to find myself.”

“Good for you and good luck. Most important mission in life.”

“Thank you. This nasi looks great and smells so… I don’t have words for it.”

“Give it a try.” He waited for me to take a mouthful. I filled my fork. The ginger burst into my mouth like a hurricane, the coriander so fresh, and there was something sweet I hadn’t experienced before. The nasi slid down my throat like a kid on a billycart crying weeee all the way down.

“Oh my goodness - this is amazing!”

“Glad you like it. Hey, have ya been out to Dragon Rock?”

“No.”

“It’s at the end of the beach here. A local Biripi elder told me it has significance to their people, a great power.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“Anyway, I will leave you to enjoy. Just call out if ya need anything else.”

“Thank you.”

He left me with his smile. Every mouthful was just as good as that first one. Before I even finished, I knew I’d just enjoyed my most delicious meal ever. How did I not know this nasi existed before? North Heaven, hey, I think you have a few things to show me. I took out my notebook. I had no idea what I was going to write but I felt something stir within. I hadn’t packed a pen. I went back over to the kitchen. Ms. Penelope-Patra lent me one. I sat there twirling the pen around for the next quarter hour or so, not knowing where to begin.

I was curious about that rock so I packed up, paid for my brunch, and headed on up the beach. Penelope-Patra said I could keep the pen and I thanked her very much.I shared the northern end of the beach with gulls and crabs while a gentle breeze edged me along. The sand gave way to my every step and it wasn’t long before my calves felt the strain. It was a quarter of an hour before I reached the rocks as beads of sweat trickled down my back.

The cluster of boulders, at least five metres high, resembled a dragon’s head. I drew in close and reached out my hand to touch the rough edge of the stone. I felt a presence.“I pay my respects to the ancestors and ask if I may climb.” I waited for a sign. A willy-wagtail landed on the rocks and twittled a tale. I felt I had permission. Once on top I sat down as the coolth pressed into my pants. I crossed my legs in lotus, closed my eyes, and drew deep breaths in. Then I mentally spun each chakra beginning with Muladhara as the colours shone bright in my mind. I breathed the salty air deep down into my belly until I felt my entire body relax, give way, and open up. I then invited within the wikee of Dragon Rock.

I fell into a meditation focusing my mind’s eye on my dan tien as I saw it fill with qi. I am ready for love. I am ready for love. I am love. I am light, I am love, I am enough. I am a beautiful, unique, talented individual who is ready for light and love. As minutes pressed forward and the wind changed course a different voice entered my mind, a woman’s voice, an elder.

You are ready for love, dear one, and love is ready for you.

Delightful tingles swept up my legs, over my torso, tickling my back and arms. I couldn’t help but smile.

Thank you. Thank you for the message.

I slowly came back to the space. I stood and stretched before the ocean raw and knew it was time to write. I sat once more and took out my journal. I looked out to the horizon to find two cargo ships listing, waiting for signs to move. Memories of love, requited and not, flittered in then out of my mind. ‘She searches the shore beneath a shifting sky as a new hue begins to form’. I turned to watch the hustle and bustle of activity behind me in the bushes: nestlings tweeting for mother’s return, Carpenter bees abuzz with pollen grains stuck to spurs, and a lace monitor climbing a tea tree up high. ‘The lyre retreats as desire creeps in to awaken the senses within’. My thoughts were drawn to the couple in the kitchen. ‘Her senses respond, she sways with Amor, a gentle kiss in her palm’. I looked up to the sun, opened chakra Manipura to the warmth, to Summer herself.  'In the garden she tempts seeds to cajole: honeydew, cherry, and corn. Beneath the covers she ennobles my soul: caress of lust until dawn. ’The words poured out as the waves crashed before me.

I couldn’t stop the force any more than the moon could halt the tide. I didn’t want to put the pen down. A power surged within me as tingles swept down my arms. By the end of ten pages, I had made my resolve and my new wish list for a man: Intelligent, respectful, and thoughtful. Someone to support my passions in life. Someone who is on the same page spiritually. A man to keep me company, who loves to chat and spend quality time together. A man who is fit and healthy, believes in personal development, has a strong work ethic, and well-balanced with free time to play. And a great cook. I wholeheartedly embrace romance - let the journey begin.

I stepped down onto the hot sand and placed my hands on the rock. I gave my thanks to the Biripi elders and the wikee who came and spoke. Then I headed home. I looked out into the salt-spray air – a lone surfer rode a wave then slipped beneath a barrel. I reckon I knew just how he felt – excellent! And maybe for the first time in my life I’d let myself in on that feeling, properly, knowing completely that I truly deserved it.

Later that Friday night, I prepared myself for my proclamation to meet a wonderful man. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to say but I knew this was something I needed to do. I felt like the whole world was tuning in to listen. I scattered candles on the balcony as incense streamed to the sky. I sat in lotus, inhaled slow deep breaths, relaxed, and let go as windchimes trilled from the trees. I conjured up feelings of love and then I called to the sky: “I’m ready!” The light of the candles flickered and my heart skittled with joy. I went to sleep that evening, the orange moon aglow, trusting that whatever was in store for me was worth the wait, and worth the work.